April 23, 2015
I took Jase for a visitation with his bio mom yesterday. Leaving him there goes against my every instinct. There are two desires constantly waging war within me. On one side – wanting his bio family to drop out of the picture. Because if they get him back, I have no control. I can’t shelter, I can’t protect, I can’t nurture. I will have no guarantee of his safety, and no say in the trajectory of his life.
And I want that say. I want influence. I want control. And I want them to disappear so there is none competing for his care. In my home, he will be under the shelter of my wings and I like him there.
But then I look in the face of his bio mom, tears streaming down her cheeks as I recount his days and tell her how he spent Easter. I know redemption isn’t only offered to Jase. It’s for her, too. I want to be on her team, cheering her on. There is nothing I love more than a good redemption story. The power of Jesus to shatter a life of sin and bring light to those living in darkness – that’s what I want for her.
The question is, can I be on both sides of the line? Can I protect Jase and do what is best for him while ministering to the mother as well? Some say yes, others say no. It feels like shades of gray to me.
Jesus give me your perspective. Instruct me in the way I should go. This is beyond me.