July 19, 2014
You’re only one phone call away from feeling different than the day before. Jase’s bio mom called to check on him. All the fearful feelings came rushing back.
She doesn’t know him. He doesn’t know her – hasn’t seen her in a solid month. The thought of handing him over to what feels like a stranger scares me senseless. And when I consider him feeling scared and wanting me but not able to have me – I get physically sick.
Lord, let me raise this baby. That’s what my love for him demands that I pray. But my love for you says, “Not my will but yours.”
Earlier today, Nathan said, “What would his last night here be like?”
Me clutching him all night long. Praying and crying every minute.
Lord Jesus, help me. I’ve been rolling along, loving him without fear for weeks. And suddenly all I can think about is someone taking this baby.
When I pray that he stays with me, I fear that I am in some way dismissing her. I have no desire to erase her, or turn my back on her. Lord Jesus, redeem her, too! But how I long to keep Jase tucked under my protective wing.
This is much harder than I thought it would be. And the roller coaster of emotions is getting to me.