April 8, 2014
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God.”
I just downed one cup of coffee but feel like I need three more. My emotions are frazzled and tears threaten all over again. One minute I’m excited about our decision to foster, and the next I’m scared out of my mind.
Today, I’m terrified. Because every time I hold my babies I’m afraid that I’ll lose them while attempting to save others. I want life as I know it now, not this huge unknown that scares the mess out of me. I fear it will be poison, more bitter than I can imagine.
Jesus says, “Do not be anxious about anything.” But I confess – I’m anxious. I’m anxious about the impact foster care will have on our bio children. Will they grow up feeling that we traded in their secure, happy home life for other children? How can I transition them to sharing me with other children – especially needy children? Can our relationship remain strong while I devote so much of myself to others?
I’m anxious that I don’t have what it takes to parent children from hard places. The needs seem overwhelming and they haven’t even begun! I fear not being able to handle the emotional scars and possible behavioral issues of the children we take.
I’m anxious about all those who are watching us. Our church family and extended family know about the decision to foster, and they are watching closely. What if we fail? What if we back out? What if they watch us fall apart while attempting to answer this call?
I’m anxious about how I will respond to the children God sends us. I fear not loving them. God forbid, what if I come to despise them for what it costs me to care for them.
But mostly, I’m anxious that my current family will be broken and ruined. What if the decision to bring other children into our home pulls the rug out from under the stable, loving environment we have now.
Lord, strengthen my faith in you. Remind me that you care and that you will be enough when I am not. Protect my children as I prepare to open our home to the unknown. Mainly, protect their faith. May Nathan and I stand united through whatever comes.
But over all of it, Lord, prune me until my greatest desire is you.
Quiet the other voices, I need most to hear from you. Your word is enough. Sufficient. All I need.
“And the peace of God which goes beyond all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”